This Simple Exercise Can Transform Difficult Relationships

When I have a client with a difficult relationship with a boss or colleague, there is a simple exercise that I ask them to do. It is a transformational exercise that can become a life-changing practice.

It is simply to list the positive aspects of their “difficult person”. This includes anything from “he’s a snappy dresser” to “she held the door open for the person coming in after her”.  At first, my clients are so stuck in seeing only the negative that they have a difficult time with seeing anything positive at all.

In fact, another coach told me a story about a client of hers who was having a difficult time with some tenants. The coach asked her client to tell her some of her renters’ positive qualities. The client protested that there really wasn’t anything positive she could say about these people. The coach persisted, and after a long silence, her client said, “When they exhale, they breathe out carbon dioxide for the plants.”

We really do get stuck in a downward spiral when we only focus on the negative aspects of a person or situation. But once you notice even one positive aspect – even if it’s just that their breath benefits plants – then you start to break free of that negative hold. As you spend more time on positive qualities the spiral will switch directions. And as you move up on this emotional staircase and you leave behind the burdens of negativity, your vision will expand until you see more to focus on than just the parts you don’t like.

This is not to deny the difficult qualities that your boss or colleague may have. You have to learn how to deal with those irritating behaviors and frustrating situations (and a coach can help you with that too). But you can’t change them, only yourself. And why work yourself into a pit of negativity over them?

Take one minute every morning and list out all the positive aspects of your “difficult person”. This will spark you to start looking for the positives throughout the day - maybe even comment on them to that difficult person. If you do this simple exercise, I guarantee your relationship will start changing for the better.

Turning Down The Job
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason at MOVIECLIPS.com

Just watch till 1.29 seconds; after that it gets a bit raunchy.  Sorry!

Create Time and Space for Meditation at Work

One Tuesday morning after a three day weekend I came into work to find a bouquet of flowers on my desk, and on the desk of everyone in my four-woman events marketing team.

Curious, we looked for cards to see who they were from. We soon discovered they were from the sales department, and were an apology for cancelling the elite event which we had spent days, evenings, and weekends planning. They cancelled it because they could not support the increased sales it would bring.

My three team-mates were incensed. We had dedicated a lot of personal time to creating a perfect event, and invitations had been distributed the week before. We couldn’t believe all our hard work was for nothing - just to have a creation we were proud of erased by another department who could not handle the success it would bring. One of my team members threw her flowers into the trash, accompanied by some choice swear words.

I, however, felt fine about the whole thing. I knew it was a blow, and it seemed like all our time and effort had turned into a thankless farce. But I didn’t experience the tremendous emotions the rest of my colleagues did. We all had just enjoyed three days to ourselves, after a month of working Saturdays in preparation for the marketing event. Why weren’t they as calm as I was?

I had spent my long weekend at a meditation retreat. Three days of meditation left me feeling like this incident was just a piece of flotsam on the vast ocean of my life; indeed of the world. It wasn’t anything to get worked up about; just another minor change of plans. I observed my reactions and the contrast in the reactions of my team mates, and realized the immense value of meditation. They were really upset. I was not upset at all.

Much has been written about the power of meditation to reduce stress. It’s all true. Most people don’t have the time or inclination to meditate every day, much less for an entire 3-day weekend. However, your workplace could make it easier for you to do it, and the benefits for both companies and individuals have been well-documented. Consider:

R.W. (Buck) Montgomery instituted meditation at his chemical manufacturing firm (Montgomery Chemicals, since sold) in 1983, allowing employees to meditate twice a day for 20 minutes at a time. Over the next three years, absenteeism fell by 85%, productivity rose 120%, quality control rose 240%, injuries dropped 70%, sick days fell by 16%, and profit soared 520%, according to Mongomery. "As a result, people enjoyed their work, they were more creative and more productive," he said. "I tell companies,`If you do this, you'll get a return on your investment in one year.’”

Puritan-Bennett Corp., which produces respiratory care and other medical equipment, started a pilot program in 1993 that compared 38 people who meditated to 38 who didn't. At the end of three months, an independent firm reported that those who meditated said they had more energy, were able to handle stress better, had fewer physical complaints and had lower cholesterol levels, said Dr. Mary Martha Stevens, manager of the company's health and wellness program. Their co-workers said those who meditated were easier to get along with. Those who didn't meditate reported no changes.

Green Mountain Coffee Roasters has a dedicated meditation room where employees can receive regular meditation instruction. “If you have a meditation practice, you can be much more effective in a meeting,'' says Green Mountain Coffee founder Bob Stiller. "Meditation helps develop your abilities to focus better and to accomplish your tasks.'' According to Investors.com, Green Mountain (GMCR) is one of the notable stocks on the rise. Shares in the company have consistently outperformed others in the same industry.

Among other appointments, William George is the former CEO of Medtronic, a current director at Goldman Sachs and Exxon Mobil, one of the “Top 25 Business Leaders of the Past 25 Years”( so named by PBS), and a professor of management science at Harvard University. George started meditating in 1974. During his time as chief executive officer at Medtronic Inc. he encouraged employees to try it and dedicated one of the company's conference rooms as a meditation room.

"Meditation has been integral in my career; it is the single best thing that happened to me in terms of my leadership,'' says George.  "Meditation enables one to focus on what is really important; and I haven't had high blood pressure since the 1970s.'' George is the author of several books including
True North: Discover Your Authentic Leadership.


Meditation helps one think more clearly, resulting in better decisions, higher productivity, and increased creativity. The benefits for both individuals and organizations have been consistently recorded since the 1970’s, when meditation began to be more widely practiced in the United States. It makes all kinds of sense for leaders to make it easier for their employees to take advantage of what meditation has to offer.

Back when I was a dedicated twice-a-day meditator and worked for a company, I would retreat to my car for a lunchtime meditation. This was not easy when the weather was very cold, very hot, or there was pressure to socialize. Conference rooms were difficult to reserve for meditation and not conducive to relaxing as I expected interruptions at any time.

Leaders can make it so much less difficult by dedicating a small room as a ‘quiet room’. Providing meditation instructors, recorded guided meditations, and allowing meditation time on the clock, are simple actions that let employees know how much leaders value their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

Because diversity and inclusion are important, a meditation room can easily be used for prayer as well.  However quiet rooms should not be meant primarily as napping rooms. I know that sometimes the need for sleep can overwhelm the meditator but allowing sleep in rooms meant for meditation and prayer dilutes the message and confuses the intent of the space. The results and benefits of focused meditation are different from napping. 

Although meditation in the United States has come primarily from Buddhist and Hindu traditions, it has been secularized to the point that religion does not need to come into the practice. Merely picking a soothing word such as “peace” or “serenity”, and repeating it as a point of focus during a quiet period of twenty minutes is one way to practice and glean the benefits of meditation. When your mind starts wandering, as it will, simply return to repeating your mantra.

There are many meditation techniques so it is wise to just pick one and get started. An instructor can be especially helpful with beginners’ questions. Meditation is a “practice” so practice it daily for a few months.
Get into the habit and notice how it benefits you.

Then create a quiet room in your organization. Make it open to all by naming it something neutral like “The Blue Room” or “Desert Isle”. And reap the benefits of stillness in the midst of chaos.

 

Define Your Signature Leadership Qualities

What is your greatest asset?

When I ask that question, what is the first answer that comes to your mind?

What frame of reference did you choose?

If you chose your own personal qualities as a frame of reference, you may have answered "my intellect".   Or perhaps "my ability to organize", "my integrity", "my ability to accomplish so many things in a short amount of time", "my creativity".  You no doubt have a lot of assets, or strengths, and it may be difficult to choose a “greatest” one.

Or, you might have thought “my eyes”, “my smile”, “my skin”, or something else more physical. Nothing wrong with that.

If you chose to answer that question from the frame of reference of accounting, then maybe you thought “my house” or “my 401K” or something else that could be converted into cash if you so desired.

If you answered that question from the frame of reference of a company leader, you may have answered with something like “my customers”, “my employees”, “our track record of stability, growth and service” or even "our intellectual capital".

So how did you answer that question?

Why did you choose the frame of reference that you did and what does that tell you about where you are right now?

Whatever frame of reference you chose, I challenge you to choose a different one.

Answer the question from the perspective of your child, your boss, your customer, your employee, your closest friend. What would they say your greatest asset is?

Understanding what your greatest strengths are can help you define yourself as an individual and a leader. What are your 'signature' qualities? What do you want to be known for?

When I do 360 interviews for my clients, I ask that question in two different ways. I ask their direct reports, manager, and a customer, “What 3 or 4 descriptive words immediately come to mind when you think of (my client)?” The answer to this is not always strengths, and sometimes can be interpreted in more than one way: “strong-willed” for example. The answers to this question reveal the signature qualities that my client is known for.

The next question I ask is “What are (my client’s) greatest strengths?” Ideally, you want the answers to these two questions to be the same, or at least to overlap.

If you know what qualities define you to others, and what your natural talents are, you can decide whether they are leadership qualities that you want to build on or are qualities you want to minimize.  You can define which of your assets you want to be known for, your 'signature leadership qualities'.

Understanding what your greatest talents are can help you identify where you want to put your time and effort.  Spending time, energy, and money to strengthen your natural talents builds them into assets that are unique to you and increase your likelihood for success.

Understanding how you are viewed by others gives you an opportunity to choose to either emphasize those qualities and make them your own, or change them if they are not the impression you want to leave. By deliberately identifying the assets you want to be known for, you are proactively defining your own signature leadership qualities.  Don't allow yourself to be branded by default.  Be conscious of how you convey yourself as a leader, what you stand for, and what your leadership philosophy is. 

So what is your greatest asset? By knowing it and strengthening it, it will become one of your definitive signature leadership qualities.  Make sure that's what you want.

Everyone Has a Talent
Thank You for Smokingat MOVIECLIPS.com

Hey Crooks, Keep Sending Emails!

Never send an email that you wouldn’t mind seeing on the front page of the newspaper.

That little bit of advice reminds me to reread my emails to see how they might come across to my recipients. Makes me ask myself if picking up the telephone might not be a better way to communicate in a particular case. Nudges me to take the time to rewrite and delete phrases.

It seems like we should all know this by now. But careers curtailed by thoughtless emails are weekly fare in the news.

Emails are great for distributing information and for confirming tasks and responsibilities. But even those areas should be double-checked before using email – what kind of tasks and responsibilities are being discussed?

In Seattle, it might have been an email that was the last straw in whether to fire the School Superintendent over a $1.8 million mismanaged sub-contracting program in which she was cleared of any involvement. Two of the Superintendent’s top managers had discussed via email what to do about a bad report on the program.

"The other consideration is with regards to next week's executive session," one manager’s e-mail reads, referring to a meeting of the School Board. "If I understood you correctly, you and the Supt. didn't want us to hand out the report."

The report wasn’t distributed to the School Board, and a culture of deception is not tolerated. Out she goes.

The hacker group Anonymous has received lots of business press lately since they broke into security firm HBGary Federal’s systems last month and exposed emails that suggested illegal activities were being planned against a competitor of their client, the Chamber of Commerce. This resulted in the resignation of HBGary’s CEO and a congressional investigation. Anonymous has also hacked into Bank of America’s systems and published emails that they say provide evidence of fraud.

It seems like we should also know by now that nefarious activities shouldn’t be conducted at all. But if you choose to engage in them, please do write about them in your emails. It’s so much easier to prove guilt that way.

For those of us who are driven by expedience, slow down! Take a minute to review your email before you hit “Reply”. Emails that are sent without prudent judgment can cause the gamut from misunderstandings to lawsuits. Here’s the (literal) bottom line: If you’d be embarrassed to have your email published on the front page of the paper, don’t send it.

There are just "two" many examples of poor email judgment!

Prepare Yourself for VUCA Leadership

Business and government leaders in Japan are being tested during the current triple-whammy of earthquake, tsunami and nuclear reactor meltdown.

Leading effectively during a crisis requires strong character, excellent planning, consistent communication, and a cohesive team. It takes the ability to manage one’s own dilemma: how to externally convey peace and calm while internally experiencing a turmoil of emotions that may include horror and despair.

Dilemma management was given an academic focus and an acronym by the US Army War College. The term VUCA was coined to describe the factors of Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity which face a leader in today’s combat environment.

The study of VUCA began as part of a military leader’s education but now has crossed over into business, making it an important part of effective strategic management. Any business leader can immediately see how learning how to lead in a VUCA environment is relevant to their situation.

The VUCA framework gives us some direction about the skills needed to lead effectively during times of drastic change.

Volatility can refer not only to unexpected emergencies such as natural disasters, equipment failure, or workplace violence, but also to the economy and the speedy lifecycles of technology. It’s necessary to survey your particular organization and know what factors could disrupt your operations. If you work in a large organization, no doubt you have addressed the issue of business continuity and data recovery. However, it’s been estimated that 40% of small businesses have not. Having the foresight to plan for the worst in every situation is a strategic management skill that is a requirement for effective leaders.

I will never forget experiencing a bomb threat at my workplace, part of a call center and warehouse. The bomb threat was thought to be a direct result of some national media attention my department’s sizable Japanese business had attracted. Although not trained in how to deal with a phone call like that, the receptionist handled it with calm professionalism. Customers never knew what happened, but orders were not received or distributed that day, and hundreds of workers were sent home.

• Does your organization have an emergency action plan and business continuity procedures in place?

• Do you have strategic plans to address future trends that may affect your particular business?

No matter how experts try to predict - the next earthquake, the next invention, the economic recovery – no one really knows. The next great Tokai earthquake is overdue to occur in the Shizuoka prefecture and the Japanese government has been preparing for it since 1978. The great tsunami-generating earthquake of March 11th off the coast of Sendai was not predicted. We need to be able to lead despite uncertainty.

When faced with a volatile situation, list the questions you have. What is known, and what is unknown? Determine the best courses of action to deal with the unknown. Mitigate the uncertainty as much as possible by asking all the questions and collaborating with others to find the answers.

• Do you have a good team in place who asks the difficult and unexpected questions?

• Do you have the ability to listen well?

Every circumstance contains multiple connections and repercussions. The complexity of a situation can be overwhelming. Leaders need to be able to discern and prioritize to make good decisions within the parameters of their knowledge. In order to do this, you must have access to real-time, accurate information and as much expert analysis as possible.

Disaster relief workers in Japan are confounded by the enormity of their task: people need shelter, food, water, warmth, medical care, to find their loved ones, to find their belongings, to be protected from radiation…the list goes on and gets more complex when the challenge of logistics, gasoline and factors we are not even aware of are added. In order to prioritize and give people what they need, leaders need timely access to key information and essential communications.

• What is the state of your communications networks, for both emergencies and non-emergencies?

• Are you receiving the right amount of quality information on a timely basis?

• Do you have people and systems in place that can make effective use of this information?

It can be difficult for people to function in an environment of ambiguity, but that is often a necessity in business and in life. No matter how much we try to put structures, rules, and procedures into place, the world is not black and white. There are always exceptions, and in a VUCA world knowing how to lead people through chaos and ambiguity is an essential skill. Communicate way more than you think you need to in order to manage expectations, calm fears and mitigate rumors.

Most VUCA –type circumstances are not just problems to be solved, but dilemmas that must be prepared for as much as possible, then continuously managed. It can be a taxing job, so incremental successes within the larger situation must be identified, acknowledged, and celebrated.

• Do you communicate to your employees often and in depth?

• Do you have temporary structures and procedures for times of ambiguity and change?

Not surprisingly, the study of VUCA and dilemma management has not yet addressed (as far as I can find) the psychological preparation needed for a leader to manage during VUCA times or how a leader can help their people resume full functioning after a trauma. Here is one resource for the latter.

Volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity at work are becoming more business-as-usual than exceptions. Take advantage of the practical resources which are widely available, such as data recovery systems and emergency action plan templates. And hone your leadership skills so you can manage both the internal and external dilemmas that come your way.

Are You Your Own Worst Oppressor?

Do you have an oppressive work ethic?

Feeling obligated to work extra hours late into the evening and on weekends is not uncommon, especially in young companies or during massive projects. The excitement of being part of something new and larger than ourselves is motivating. Our work ethic kicks in and we do what it takes to get the job done well and be the true professionals we are.

But when is enough enough?

A woman in my exercise class showed up after being away for quite a while. When I asked what had kept her away from a regimen that I know she loves she said, of course, “work”. She works in a rapidly growing company and her boss, the owner of the company, depends on her a lot. Unfortunately, he doesn’t usually acknowledge her dedication. But that week, he finally had extended her some public appreciation.

She said during recent office renovations she had stayed at the office all weekend. Her boss stopped by the office to pick up some athletic gear before going out again and was surprised to see her there. She told him she had to be there to let the workers in and oversee their moving of the equipment. She was surprised that he was surprised, but not surprised that he just took it for granted that she would take care of everything.

That Monday, he recognized her in front of the company at an all hands meeting. She was happy that he had said a few nice words, but frankly, I was thinking, why don’t the employees have a share in this company? She doesn’t get paid extra for those hours, and she is not part owner of the company. If he hadn’t stopped by the office on personal business, the owner would not have realized how much of her own time she put in. Needless to say, she told me that she didn’t expect to continue working there for an extended period. And after we talked, she has started coming back to our exercise class regularly.

I asked her what changed that allowed her to come back to our 6 pm classes. “I just decided to slip out. Someone else can handle anything that comes up", she told me.

Giving herself permission to just leave the office when there is still so much to do is a shift in her attitude that is a direct result of her boss stopping by the office on the weekend and being surprised to see her working. He should have been aware of what she was doing to ensure the entire company would run smoothly come Monday morning. Although she appreciated being appreciated, it also made her realize how much of her life she had devoted to the company without any appreciation.

In my article How to Find More 'You' Time I gave tips on how to lighten your workload. I didn’t address your personal work ethic. I heartily endorse having a healthy work ethic, but not an oppressive one.  Of course there will be times when short term projects keep you working late and on the weekends. The key phrase here is “short term”. Working all hours of the week should not be a regular practice; that is not a “healthy work ethic”.

Work can and should provide a creative and fulfilling outlet. But make sure you also plan for time for yourself, cultivating other interests, and enriching your relationships with your family and friends. Don’t be your own worst oppressor – no one will appreciate that.

How To Prevent Them From Saying "That's Not Fair!"

Last week’s blog posting may have raised a few questions for some people. Isn’t rewarding only some employees showing favoritism? Wouldn’t that foment poor morale and complaints from those who don’t get those extra perks such as more flex time or the coveted office chair?

It might, if you aren’t clear about your expectations, and consistent about asking for accountability and rewarding positive behavior.

What behaviors do you reinforce? Are your employees clear about which behaviors are desirable and which aren’t? Don’t assume they are. The only thing you can assume is what is obvious to you, is obvious to you and not necessarily to anyone else.

I remember a story one client told me about an employee who seemed surprised when he was told his cynical attitude was holding him back. Attitude is not usually a category on a performance evaluation. However, this employee should have been coached and given feedback on the impact his attitude had on his team and his own career.

Regardless of whether a behavior is measured on a performance appraisal, any action that impacts one’s career, their team, the customer, or the organization needs to be commented on. If it positively impacts others, then every team member should know that it is a desired behavior. If it has a negative impact, then the person exhibiting that behavior needs to be taken aside and educated and coached about how to change. It is remarkable how many employees are not aware of the impact of their behavior, so be sure they understand the depth and the extent of it.

In order to ensure that the cries of “unfair!” and “you’re the teacher’s pet!” aren’t heard among your team members, follow these guidelines:

1. Be super-specific about what your expectations are regarding performance and professionalism. Never assume others know what they are.

2. Verbally praise those whose actions and attitudes positively affect the team and the organization. Praise in public, so others know what is valued.

3. Educate and coach your employees about what actions and attitudes negatively affect the team and organization. Ensure they understand the extent of their influence and how others (including themselves) are impacted. Correct individuals in private.

4. Be consistent and timely in asking for accountability, and in providing verbal praise and coaching.

5. Be consistent in rewarding those who exhibit high performance, increased responsibility, and exceptional results.

When someone shows they can take on added responsibility and freedom, you give it to them. If they don’t you don’t. It is just like having children: when they show they are responsible, you can let them stay up later, do more activities, and have more privileges. When employees show they are responsible by performing above expectations consistently, you give them more privileges too. Just make sure you adhere to your own guidelines about what those expectations are, and what privileges go with them. And make sure your employees know that too.

If you do this, you won’t have to contend with grumbling about unfair treatment and favoritism. It will be obvious to all what they have to do to gain more perks and experience “re-recruitment”.

Arrogant Pilot
Top Gunat MOVIECLIPS.com

Top performers know what is expected of them, and everyone should know what it takes to be a top performer, and what the rewards are.